Redemption
by sevanderslice
Summary: A recently widowed and severely injured Lily Potter is brought to Hogwarts with her one year old son. Dumbledore puts Severus Snape personally in charge of her care.  Snape/Lily, Pre-Hogwarts, Alternate Universe, Spoilers through The Deathly Hallows
1. Pain

_A/N:_

_**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_Author's Notes: To put it lightly, we all know Severus Snape isn't the nicest man in the world. He does however show he is capable of noble acts and emotions as well as intense devotion. I wanted to explore what might, or what could have happened to him, if he were given the right incentive to change. This story is very AU. I've also changed a few of JK's rules as per artistic license. _

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**Chapter 1: Pain**

**November 1, 1981 2:15am**

Blood pounds deafeningly in Professor Severus Snape's ears as he runs up the spiral staircase, three steps at a time. The door at the top is no match for his urgency, screaming on its hinges and slamming noisily against the wall as Snape bursts into the circular room. Panting with exertion and ever rising panic, he calls out to the office's lone occupant.

"Is it true?" The last word breaks in Snape's throat as he waits desperately for the headmaster's answer.

"Severus," Albus Dumbledore's voice is infuriatingly calm as he stands from behind the ornate desk and raises a hand in an attempt to soothe him.

"TELL ME!" The words are a scream, the panicked cry of a cornered animal. Everything, absolutely _everything _in Severus's existence rides on the old Headmaster's answer.

Dumbledore's eyes are kind, too kind, as he finally speaks. "I am not entirely sure of the details just yet. However, the rumor you have most likely heard is at least partially true. Lord Voldemort did indeed attack the Potters at their home this evening."

Severus's legs give out and his knees hit the polished floor as his entire world comes crashing down around him. A tortured, barely audible, "no," escapes his lips. All that time and effort, all of the personal risks he's made over the past terrifying year have all been for naught. Everything is for naught now. Lily Evans... No, he reminds himself while fisting his fingernails into his palms, Lily _Potter _is dead. "I'll kill that dog!" He vows, spitting the words through clenched teeth. Sirius Black will pay dearly for betraying the secret of their location. Severus will make sure of it.

Hot tears burn the backs of his eyes and he barely feels it as a warm hand slides onto his shoulder. "Severus," he hears as if from far away. He ignores it, only to finally glance down when he feels the sleeve of his shirt being gently slid up. Dumbledore is kneeling in front of him, revealing his cursed Dark Mark inch by inch. Of course, he thinks bitterly, the Dark Lord will be summoning him soon to celebrate his glorious victory over a mother and her small child. Dumbledore will want him to attend, to continue his pretense of loyalty. Perhaps he will go, he decides. He'll put on his mask of unending devotion one more time, only to take the Dark Lord by surprise. There's a small chance Severus will be able to kill him, to end it. And if not, Voldemort will end Snape instead. Either option is equally appealing.

"Severus," The headmaster gently calls again, finally gaining his attention. "Look."

Forcing his eyes to focus on the present instead of the past, Severus obediently examines the tattoo on the inside of his forearm. A gasp hisses from his throat as he traces the now pale pink outline. "I don't understand," he says, bewildered. In all the time he's been a Death Eater, either in truth or deception, the Dark Lord's mark has never been so insubstantial.

"It would appear," Dumbledore says with a touch of irony, "that Voldemort made a grave error tonight. In his attempt to avoid the prophesy foretelling his demise, he has in fact fulfilled it."

"The Dark Lord is dead?" Severus is incredulous. "It's impossible! Potter is not powerful enough…"

Snape's words trail off at the headmaster's sad smile. "I am afraid James was killed in the noble act of protecting his family. His body was found very close to the front door. He didn't even have a wand in his hand. Lily…"

Severus cannot stop the soft whimper from escaping his lips and squeezes his eyes tightly shut. He does not want to hear about what he's sure is Lily's heroic and yet futile sacrifice to save her son.

"Lily," Dumbledore continues determinedly, "was found in young Harry's bedroom, along with the quite dead body of Lord Voldemort himself. We found Harry in his cot, completely unharmed. There's not a scratch on the boy.

"But that's impossible!" It is the second time Snape's cried those words tonight, but he just can't grasp the situation.

"You'll have to excuse an old man," Dumbledore says, easing himself up off his knees and motioning for Snape to follow him to a couple of chairs. "I just can't kneel on the floor a moment longer." Severus follows obediently, a numbness starting to settle into his soul. Once seated, the headmaster pours an amber liquid into two small glasses. Severus takes the one offered to him, but just sits there holding it.

"As far as we can tell," Dumbledore continues from where he left off. "The killing curse Voldemort enacted on Lily Potter was reflected back at him, instantly taking his life. I saw his body myself. It is being held in a secure morgue at St. Mungo's. If I had to hazard a guess as to why this happened, it would have to be because James Potter sacrificed his life to save his family. That kind of old magic is powerful in itself, but then Lily duplicated the process when she stepped in front of her son, making it doubly powerful. Of course, we will never know this for sure unless Lily wakes up."

Severus doesn't feel the shards gouging his palm as the little glass shatters. He doesn't notice the burn as amber liquid mixes with blood and spills to the floor. His heart is about to explode into his throat. "What did you say?"

"Because of James and Lily's Potter's two separate, selfless attempts to save their son, Voldemort's curse did not instantly kill Lily. She is however, gravely injured. The healers cannot tell me when, or even if she will recover."

There's a loud crash as Severus's chair tumbles to the floor in his haste to stand. Without a glance back at the Hogwarts School's headmaster, he strides purposely across the floor, blood and alcohol still dripping from his injured hand.

Dumbledore calls out to him. "Where are you going?"

Snape turns. He's frustrated with this delay, with this waste of precious moments. "Where do you think?" He snaps. "I'm going to St. Mungo's." He has to see her. He has to prove to himself she still breathes. And maybe he can help her, maybe there is a potion the healers haven't tried yet. Everything else; the dead Dark Lord, Sirius Black, his own agonizing guilt, can wait.

"She isn't there Severus." The old man says patiently. "The Death Eaters are still out there, many of them may try to seek revenge. We had her and Harry moved to a secure location. There is a team of highly skilled healers assigned to her. There is nothing you can do."

"Where. Is. She." Every nerve in Severus's body tenses, screams to go to her. How dare Dumbledore keep this from him!

The old man sighs resignedly. "She's here, Severus, in our hospital wing. There is nowhere else more secure."

Snape's heavy footsteps are pounding down the spiral staircase before Dumbledore's sentence is complete.

**November 1, 1981 12:42pm**

Severus doesn't know how long he's been sitting in the hard wooden chair, but he can no longer feel his extremities. He no longer counts the ragged breaths of the small, bandaged woman in the hospital bed next to him, but he thinks they may have eased just a bit in past few hours. Every so often one of the healers comes by to chant another charm over her. Twice her bandages have been replaced and potions rubbed into her wounds. The clock on the wall ticks away her heartbeats, but Severus doesn't dare keep track of either. Guilt and despair threaten to cripple him, but he does not yet dare to give in to them. She might still wake up. She _has_ to wake up.

There's a soft scraping noise as a second wooden chair is dragged to the opposite side of Lily's bed. "Any change?"

He spares the newcomer a glance. Remus Lupin's clothes are in disarray, his hair matted to one side of his head and full of debris, suggesting he slept on the ground last night. With bloodshot eyes and tearstained cheeks, the werewolf looks as horrible as Severus feels. Unable to drudge up enough energy for any hateful feelings for Lupin at the moment, let alone a scathing reply, Severus merely shakes his head in the negative.

"We've taken care of James's body," the werewolf continues, his voice rough. "We're keeping him preserved at St. Mungo's for a while so Lily can go to the funeral once she's recovered. Harry is with Professor McGonagall right now, but she's planning on bringing him up to see his mum in a few minutes."

Snape can't seem to fathom why Lupin would think he'd care about any of that, so he just stays silent.

"Why are there bandages on her eyes?" Lupin asks suddenly.

Severus has asked the healers all of the obvious questions already and the last thing he wants is to have to recount the answers back to anyone. "She was burned. They aid in the healing process." His answer is curt in the hopes that this will be enough to shut Lupin up for a while.

The werewolf chokes back a sob. "Will she…" He chokes again. "Can she still…?"

Snape cuts him off. "The healers don't know _anything_." He emphasizes the last word harshly, venting some of his frustrations. The incompetent staff Dumbledore put so much faith in had bandied about phrases like "we are hopeful that she will regain consciousness, she may regain her sight," and "we don't know if she'll ever walk again." They gave no absolutes, they effectively knew nothing. Severus wanted to throw them all out of the hospital wing windows just to hear them scream during their decent.

Lupin lets out another ragged, sob-like breath, distracting him from that pleasant thought. "I can't believe Sirius would…I can't…" The werewolf covers his face with his palms, his whole body starting to shake with suppressed grief.

For the love of Merlin, can't the infuriating beast just go away?

"He was our friend!" Lupin continues to wail, nearly hysterical now. "Something must have happened. I can't believe he'd turn on us like that, on James."

"Believe it." Snape's voice is made of steel. "Sirius Black is a dead man."

Before Lupin can comment, a middle aged witch with black hair and green robes enters through the privacy drapes. She has a sleeping toddler in her arms. Severus immediately averts his gaze to the woman on the bed. He does not want to see the child of James Potter.

Lupin gets up from his chair to greet them. "Minerva," he says with audible relief. "How is he?" There's a rustle of fabric and then Lupin is crooning sickeningly sweet nonsense words at the child. Severus has to clench his teeth together to keep from screaming.

After a quick conversation with Professor McGonagall that Snape refuses to listen to, Lupin lays the small boy in a portable cot that's been placed near his mother's bed. "I need to go make a statement to the ministry," he explains, quietly. "I should be back before he wakes up."

Severus breathes a sigh of relief as he listens to Lupin and McGonagall's footsteps fade away.

**November 1, 1981 1:55pm**

At first, Severus isn't entirely sure what has awakened him from a troubled and unintentional sleep. He lifts his head off the side of the hospital bed, his back protesting painfully as he sits back up in his chair. He risks a glance at the clock on the wall. Lupin has been gone for over an hour. Panicked that it has awoken, professor looks towards the portable cot, but the small, person-shaped thing inside it is silent and still, except for his even breathing.

Lily looks exactly the same, but he lets himself believe her breathing is even easier than before. He's just getting up for a drink of water when the cause of his awakening becomes clear.

"James." It's barely a whisper, but Snape can clearly see Lily's lips move as she says the word. He's out of his chair in an instant, everything forgotten except the women on the bed. "James," she croaks again, this time a little louder. The name burns a hole right through Severus's heart, but he ignores it, jubilant that she can speak at all.

"Lily," he calls to her, smoothing soft, ginger hair back from her forehead. "You're safe, Lily. We're in Hogwarts." He picks up her frail hand and rubs the back of it against his cheek, letting her feel the day's growth of beard.

"Sev?" Her voice is growing more panicked, her breaths more quickly. Her free hand gropes weakly at the bandages covering her eyes.

"It's me Lily. I'm here." He catches the flailing hand, stilling her movements. "You've been hurt, but you're going to be fine. Just leave the bandages in place for now."

"He came for us Sev." There are tears in her voice. "James. He killed James. I couldn't stop him, Sev. I couldn't stop him!"

"Shhh." Severus is desperate to calm her, but Lily keeps speaking, the words pouring out of her in gasping sobs.

"He wanted Harry. I tried to stop him. Oh God Sev, I don't remember what happened after that! Where's Harry? Where's my baby?"

"Please calm down, please." Severus can feel his own throat burning with unshed tears. "Harry is fine. He's here. He's fine." Lily is nearly hyperventilating now and he calls frantically for a healer.

"No!" She's clearly hysterical now, exerting much more energy than she can afford to. "Where is he? Where is he?"

The incompetent healers are nowhere to be found and Snape is left groping for some way to help her himself. Every cry from her lips is ripping him apart. He retrieves a sleeping potion from the supply cupboard and holds it to her lips, begging her to drink. She refuses emphatically, crying for her baby and growing ever more hysterical. Where are those damn healers?

Finally, he glances towards the small cot. The child is stirring, agitated by his mother's cries. Everything inside Severus rebels at the thought of what he must do. He does not want to look the thing in the face. He does not want to touch it; the living, breathing proof of Lily's love for James Potter. But the one person in the whole world Severus cares about is in agony, and it is mostly his fault. He's made so very many mistakes, first in losing her by following the wrong people, and then by betraying her to them by relaying the prophesy about her son.

So, steeling himself against the revulsion, Severus picks up the squirming child and lays him next to her. "He's here Lily," he croaks out, rubbing the tiny fingers against her cheek. "He's fine, feel his hand."

"Harry," she sobs over and over again, the words slowly becoming a soft whimper. "My baby, my baby, my baby…."

Tears stream freely down Severus's cheeks for the first time since he can't remember. She's so damn beautiful and the sight of her with that child hurts so much. He's the spitting image of James, untidy black hair and all. But there are bits of Lily in the boy as well, the eyes especially. The affection this observation stirs within Severus wars with the revulsion already there, until it makes him feel physically ill.

"He betrayed us." She says suddenly, her voice calmer now, but still laced with fear and grief. "Everything should have been fine. Voldemort shouldn't have known where we were, but he betrayed us."

"I know." He answers soothingly. "Every Auror in England is out looking for Sirius Black. He won't get away. I promise."

"No! You have it wrong. We changed it at the last minute and didn't tell anyone." Lily tries to sit up, but it is futile effort and she slumps back down onto the pillow. "Sirius wasn't our secret keeper. It was Peter."

"Pettigrew?" The shock in Snape's voice is evident. Visions of severed rat tails swim in his mind.

"Sev," Lily's voice is weak again and he has to lean in closely to hear it. She squeezes the hand he's still holding with all her strength, but Snape can barely feel it. "Sev, you have to protect Harry."

"Lily, nothing can hurt him here. You are both safe. Just try to sleep."

"No." She insists, and it breaks his heart for the millionth time today. "You need to protect him. It has to be you. You owe me this, Sev. You know you do."

He does. As much as Severus does not want this responsibility he knows she's right. "You have my word," he agrees.

Her grip does not loosen. "With your life?"

"I vow it." The words are iron clad and Lily, finally giving into exhaustion, slumps into a dreamless sleep.

**November 1, 1981 4:32pm**

"So she's in no immediate danger?" Sirius Black asks, despite the fact that Snape has just said precisely that, almost verbatim.

Severus's reply is purposely cold, his grip on his emotions tenuous. "She'll live, but they don't know precisely how much permanent damage there is. The healers don't expect her to ever walk again, but she should regain her sight."

Black hisses a breath in through his teeth at the news, but Lupin just sits quietly, his skin growing paler by the second.

"I'll kill Wormtail," Black cries, throwing a small end table against the wall of Dumbledore's office. It loudly smashes into pieces. "I'll kill him!"

Dumbledore stands quickly and gestures towards Lupin. "Remus," he says in a gentle, but firm tone. "Won't you please take Sirius for a walk to calm his nerves before you both go visit Lily and Harry?"

"Of course." Lupin stands wearily, as if he is one hundred and one rather than twenty-one years of age, and guides his now sobbing friend from the room

The headmaster waits for them to be out of earshot before finally addressing his potions master. "Would you think it accurate to say that Lily Potter is going to require a rather long recovery?"

Snape grits his teeth and nods, as visions of Lily spending months, or even years in St. Mungo's long term care ward fleet through his mind.

"Well then," Dumbledore says, and Severus steels himself for the inevitable. "I suppose you have your work cut out for you."

Snape looks up in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"Voldemort is dead," he explains, "but that doesn't mean that the Potters are safe. I still fully expect the Death Eaters to attempt some sort of violent revenge. This school is the only place I can guarantee their safety. She'll have professional healers and an aide of course, while it is necessary, but you'll be officially in charge of her and Harry's care. You already live here and she trusts you. Besides, you've vowed to protect the boy, haven't you Severus?"

Snape lifts an eyebrow in surprise. "Do you make a habit of listening in on private conversations?

Dumbledore gives him a knowing smile, "only after someone has been bellowing loudly for help."

"I see."

"Lily has a lot of healing to do, both physically and emotionally and she needs to do it in a safe environment."

"I hardly think a school full of children is the proper place," Snape attempts to protest.

"I think it is the perfect place," Dumbledore argues, "for both of you."

"Sir?"

Dumbledore's smile grows infuriatingly wider at Severus's confusion. "Consider it a penance," he says, laying a comforting hand on Snape's shoulder, "another step on your path towards redemption."

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_Please review. I'd love to get some feedack. Both praise and constructive critisism are welcome._


	2. Perspective

_****__**Disclaimer**: __All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**Author's Note:** This is a fairly short chapter. I had originally written it as a three part chapter, instead of just two, but part three became a life unto its own and required its own chapter. So while this one is rather short, the next one will be up sooner than usual. Thank you for your understanding. _

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**Chapter 2: Perspective**

**November 6, 1981 9:13am**

Severus's hands are trembling so badly he can hardly hold the cup of cold, completely untouched tea Professor Dumbledore gave him twenty minutes ago. He sets it down on a small table, shoving his hands unceremoniously into the pockets of his robes in an attempt to still them. The healers have banned him from Lily's curtain surrounded area of the hospital wing for the time being, but Severus can't bring himself to move any farther from her than a few feet. He's been pacing restlessly since they kicked him out.

"As old as these floors are," Dumbledore addresses him confidently, "I doubt anyone would appreciate you walking a trench into them."

"It's been over twenty minutes!" There's an audible protest of springs as Severus all but throws himself down onto one of the many unoccupied hospital beds. "How long can it possibly take to find out if she can see or not?"

"The healers know what they are doing," the bearded old wizard promises him soothingly. "It will take as long as it takes."

He doesn't have to wait much longer. A slightly portly wizard with graying hair and spectacles comes out from behind the privacy curtain. "We're all finished for now," he says, his tone giving no indication of Lily's condition, one way or the other. He turns to face Severus. "She's asking for you, Professor Snape."

Severus is behind the curtain in half of a heartbeat, but stops just inside the enclosure, suddenly inexplicably shy. Lily is sitting up on the bed; her face turned away from him while she speaks softly with Madam Pomfrey. The Head Nurse at Hogwarts fusses over her charge for a few moments, before leaving a glass of pumpkin juice on the small bedside table and taking her leave. Severus clears his throat.

"Sev?" She turns to face him as she says his name and Severus is graced with the sight of her brilliant green eyes for the first time in months. They are bloodshot, wet with tears that do not fall, and a few thin, pink lines spider web out from the corner of her left one. The faint burn scars trail over her temple and disappear beneath the ginger hair. Lily flashes him a bright, watery smile and Severus cannot for the life of him believe he's ever seen anything more breathtakingly, heart achingly beautiful.

"You need a shave," she says with a light chuckle.

It feels as if a million pound weight has suddenly been lifted off his shoulders. He sits down heavily in the wooden chair at her side and rubs a palm over the dark stubble covering his chin. "I suppose I do," he agrees, returning her smile with a small one of his own. "It's been a long week."

Lily's smile disappears. Her beautiful, bloodshot eyes are suddenly miles away. "Yes, it has."

**December 3, 1981 5:34pm**

A dark haired, seventh year girl passes Severus while he is on his way into the hospital wing. The child in her arms is waving frantically back towards his mother. The privacy drapes are open for once and Lily's returning wave is in full view. "Bye-Bye!" He yells enthusiastically in that high pitched squeal all small children seem to have. "Bye-Bye!"

"Good-bye Harry," Lily calls back to her son. "Enjoy your supper. I love you." She blows him a kiss just before the girl takes him from the room.

Lily is still wearing a bright smile as Severus approaches her. She's dressed in comfortable looking muggle clothes and resting with her back against a mound of pillows. A small, brightly colored blanket covers her legs and feet. "Do you know Rose?" She asks him, gesturing towards the still open door. "Is she in any of your classes?"

"I'm afraid not," he answers, placing a wooden tray over her hips, "but I've only been teaching since last September. She must not have scored high enough on her potions O.W.L. to continue after her fifth year."

"I'll have to ask her what classes she is taking," Lily muses, watching as Snape slides a small table next to her bed. "She's been a huge help with Harry this week, playing with him in the afternoons to give poor Mrs. Pepperman a well deserved break."

Severus makes a noncommittal nod. Despite having hired the nanny himself, he doesn't care much for the old witch, as she has a distinctly irritating tendency to try and mother everyone. "Are you hungry?" He asks, purposefully changing the subject.

She clutches her stomach dramatically. "Starving, what's on the menu today?"

Severus waves his wand, and two covered plates appear on their respective surfaces. It has become a nightly ritual for them. Every evening, instead of joining the rest of the staff in the great hall, Severus has been having dinner with Lily. At first, she was too weak to even hold a spoon properly, leading to the completely awkward and humiliating experience of having to hand feed her himself. However, after a month of therapy and practice, Severus doesn't even need to cut her meat for her.

Tonight's meal is baked chicken with vegetables and rice. They eat and make light conversation. She asks about his classes, gently chiding him for being too severe with his students. He asks about her therapy and scowls when she tries to downplay how painful the last few sessions have been. She tells him about Harry and the new words he's suddenly able to speak. Severus gives her a tight, uncomfortable smile and changes the subject again. After a while they settle into silence as they eat.

It isn't until after they've nearly finished a pudding of surprisingly rich chocolate cake that Lily speaks again. "Severus," she says tentatively. He looks up from the last bits of his food abruptly, startled to hear her use his given name. It's been years since she's addressed him as anything other than, 'Sev.'

"Yes?"

She frowns a little, placing her fork to the side of her plate before continuing. The serious look in her eyes makes Severus's heart plummet. "Why do you hate my son?"

Bile churns in his stomach at her words. "I don't know what you mean," he lies emphatically.

"You refuse to look at him. You change the subject when I bring him up…" She gestures helplessly with her hands, obviously frustrated.

Severus gropes frantically for something intelligent to say. "I don't have a particular affinity for children."

"You're a teacher, Sev!"

"My point exactly, Madam."

There's a pause in their argument as Lily glares daggers at him. "Look, Sev," she continues determinately. "I know you and James never really got along…"

He opens his mouth to interrupt her, but she cuts him off. "That's a topic for another day. What I want to know now, is why you can't put that aside and show some compassion for a little boy who has lost his father and his home; a boy who is at present, primarily being taken care of by strangers."

"I've vowed to protect him with my life!" Snape is on the offensive now. "Or have you forgotten that?"

"Of course I haven't," she denies, "but you only did that because I asked you to."

"And that is suddenly wrong?" Anger is boiling up in Severus now, too much for him to contain within his usually steely facade. He's put his life in her hands to do with as she pleases and yet it is still not enough. There's a loud scrape and a jangle of silverware as he pushes the little table away. His hands are shaking, his breath coming in little angry pants. He needs to get away from here, to cool down his temper before saying something he will truly regret…again.

"Sev, please," she pleads gently, just as he's about to stand. And suddenly her soft hand is on his, and the warmth running through Severus's body has nothing to do with his temper. He stops instantly in his tracks, afraid to move lest she let go.

"What do you want from me?" He'll give her anything, anything he has to give.

"Do you care for me, Sev? Are you my friend?" Those are two very different questions and each one makes his heart bleed.

"Yes," he answers hoarsely.

"Then you have to care for Harry too." Her tone is gentle, but finite. "You have to stop compartmentalizing us in your mind. He's not _just_ my son, or James's son, Sev. I don't _just_ love him. He's a part of me. You can't have one without the other."

And there it is, her ultimatum. Severus's life is once again perched precariously on a fulcrum. Suddenly, he doesn't feel like the stern, unemotional teacher he's become. With a few perfectly chosen words Lily has turned him back into a teenager. He's awkward and embarrassed and ready to lash out to protect his wounded pride. But where has that gotten him before? If Severus could go back in time, take back those horrible words he'd unthinkingly yelled at Lily in an arrogant rage, his life could have gone so much differently. Maybe she'd have loved him instead of Potter. Maybe she wouldn't be lying in this bed right now, broken and begging him to love the son of his tormentor. How much is his pride worth when compared to Lily? There is no contest.

He looks up into her beautiful face, desperate for her to believe him. "I'll try."

She gives him a soft smile. "Thank you."

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_Please review. Both praise and constructive critisism are welcome. _


	3. Snow

_**Disclaimer**: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

_Author's Notes: **WARNING** - This chapter contains scenes portraying greif of the the loss of a loved one. If this is a sensitive subject for you, please consider this before reading. _

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**Chapter 3: Snow**

**December 15, 1981 1:43pm**

He's been dying to see her all day, even more than usual. His classes seemed overly long. Each second ticked by in infuriatingly slow increments. He snapped impatiently at those of his students not clever enough to give him a wide birth, causing one first year boy to ruin his sleeping potion with tears. Snape smirks at the memory, weren't Gryffindors supposed to be brave?

His legs make long, quick strides and he has to force himself not to sprint. He can not wait to see her beautiful, smiling face as he tells her the news. The renovations to the once empty classroom next to his office and chambers have been finished and Severus is eager to tell Lily she can finally move out of the hospital wing.

She is not in her bed when he enters the long room and his eyes search frantically for a moment before spotting her. She's bundled up in a padded chair by the windows. Her forehead is resting against the glass, her face turned away from him. He makes no attempt to hide his presence, fully expecting her to turn and greet him upon his approach, but she doesn't react at all.

"Lily," he calls her name, eager to share his good news. She still doesn't respond, so he kneels down to get a better view of her face. Silent, thick streams of tears are leaking from her eyes. There is a small puddle on the windowsill where they have dripped off her chin and yet, she makes no move to wipe them away. She makes no moves at all.

Worried now, he lays a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Lily," he calls again. "Are you hurt? Are you in pain?" She does not reply. "Please Lily," desperation is starting to edge into his voice. "Tell me what's wrong."

"It's snowing," she finally replies and her voice is empty and hollow. Severus spares a glance at the view out of the window in front of them. He's mildly surprised to see the thick cloud of white powder pouring down from the sky to cover the grounds below them. It has obviously been snowing for some time, but he'd been too preoccupied with the prospect of a joyful Lily to notice the weather. Still, this doesn't explain her melancholy.

"Sweetheart, please," The term of endearment rolls off his tongue easily, despite having never used one before. "Tell me how to help you."

"James loved snow," she begins, and Snape's heart grows as cold as the window pane. "He used to run outside at the first sign of it and make a complete fool out of himself dancing around and having snowball fights. Harry was too little to take out in it last year and we promised…" Lily's voice breaks and she has to take a deep breath before continuing. When she does her voice is hollow again. "It doesn't matter anymore. James will never dance in the snow again." She looks down at her useless legs. "And neither will I."

Snape's vision blurs for a moment and he can barely breathe as pure, unfettered, fury overwhelms him. Does she honestly think, after everything they've survived, everything he has risked for her, that he'll let her just give up? Severus grits his teeth determinately and jumps to his feet. There is no way he is going to listen to her fatalistic attitude for one second longer. He glares down at her, every inch the severe professor now. "You are a disgrace." The words are cold and show no trace of pity. "You call yourself a Gryffindor, and yet are so cowardly you're ready to toss it all in before the actual work has really started? One measly month of magical and physical therapy and you've already decided your fate? There is no chance of improvement, of anything better?"

Severus ignores her shocked expression and strides across the room, weaving through small hospital beds until he reaches Madam Pomfrey's office. She's not inside, so he just takes what he needs without permission. Lily is looking at him warily when he returns.

"Here," he says, thrusting the nurse's thick winter cloak into her arms. "Put this on." He waits for her to slowly comply before kneeling down on the floor again. He lifts each of her feet in turn, gently sliding Pomfrey's sturdy shoes over Lily's thick socks. They're a little big, but they'll have to do. He finishes off her borrowed ensemble by shoving a ridiculous wooly hat over her ears. The fluffy puff on top of it lists to one side.

She gasps in shock as he suddenly lifts her from the chair; one arm under her knees, the other at her back. He cradles her against his chest easily as he strides towards the door. She's light, weighing far less than he expected and he adds this to his list of concerns to address later. For now, Severus focuses all of his energy on staying angry with her, on ignoring how warm, and soft, and just _right_, Lily feels in his arms.

"Put me down Sev," she commands, her voice finally showing some life. "Put me back in my chair, right now. I'm serious!" He ignores her protests as they pass through the doorway and into the long stone corridor. "Severus Tobias Snape," she yells emphatically, "you take me right back into the hospital wing this instant! Do you hear me?"

"As you are not my mother," Severus answers her coolly, "calling me by my full name will have little to no effect on the outcome of your situation. And furthermore, as you have suddenly decided that you are, in fact, an invalid and will forevermore be one, you don't get to make important decisions for yourself anymore." The sound that comes out of Lily's mouth at that moment is hard to define, but Severus takes it to mean she's rather cross with him. Good.

He has to stare daggers at a number of students loitering in the halls to make them move out of his way. They stare back at him, mouths gaping in shock as he and Lily pass by. Severus can only imagine what the children think their least favorite teacher is going to do with the struggling woman in his arms.

A few moments later they are plunging out onto the frigid, snow covered grounds. He spots a familiar tree in the distance and sets out toward it. He's not dressed for the weather, having forgone stopping to get a warm coat or cloak from his office in his rush to get outside. He learned a long time ago to always wear trousers under his robes, but the snow reaches up past his shoes and moisture is seeping through to his skin. Severus tucks Lily closer into his body and keeps walking. He lets rage and righteous indignation take the edge of the chill.

"Harrison, Finnegan!" Snape yells to a couple of sixth year students snogging enthusiastically against the tree trunk. They break apart guiltily. "Find someplace else to be, now." He can hear the girl giggling foolishly as they run away, but Severus has already turned his attention towards a deep looking snowdrift. He abruptly lets go of his burden and Lily plops to the ground with loud oomph. She sputters in the snow, making the same irate noise as when he refused to return her to the Hospital Wing. Severus decides it is sort of a growl, scream hybrid.

"What," she bellows at him," in the name of Merlin and his bleeding set of Round Table Knights, do you think you are doing? I am going to kick you're sorry…oh!" A wet, heaping glob of snow hits Lily square in the face, cutting her off mid-tirade

"I," Severus announces while collecting another small mound of snow, "am having a snowball fight. Isn't that one of the things you said you missed?" Three more snowballs hit Lily in fast succession, leaving her gasping for breath. Madam Pomfrey's stupid, poufy hat slips wetly from her hair and slops onto the ground.

Lily's exclamation of rage is more scream and less growl this time as she takes up the gauntlet. Severus dodges four snowballs easily before she lands one right in his stomach. He drops to his knees with a loud huff before firing back. They pelt each other remorselessly for while before finally coming to an exhausted halt.

"Don't think for one minute," Lily gasps breathlessly, "that purposely making me angry is going to change anything. It won't work. "

"It already has." Severus answers, crawling close enough to feel the smoky puffs of her breath on his face. "If you're angry, you're not dead." he says intensely. "I want you alive. I can't stand seeing you wallow in self-pity."

"Getting angry with you doesn't help!" She shoves him back, but he doesn't budge. "It isn't you I want to hurt."

"Then who?" He clasps her shoulders gently. "If not me, who is it you want to punish. Is it Pettigrew, or those incompetent fools who call themselves your healers? Tell me who and I'll bring them to you in chains, Lily!"

"Voldemort!" She screams the name and hot, angry tears stream down her face. "I hate him. I hate him! He killed James. He turned me into this." She gestures down at her limp legs. "He tried to kill my son, an innocent baby! And we were lucky compared to most people. What gave him the right to ruin everyone's lives?"

"Nothing," he answers firmly. "He was a sociopath. He was a sick, twisted, evil son of a bitch, and so was everyone who followed him." Severus knows this, intimately. "And he's dead, Lily." She lets out another choked sob. "I watched his body burn with my own eyes. They dumped his ashes in the ocean without so much as a word towards his memory, other than 'good-riddance.' There are probably hundreds of fish with horrible indigestion right now."

Lily lets out a harsh snort of reluctant mirth. She pulls away from Severus to lie back on the ground, her arms outstretched as if making half of a snow angel. When she speaks again all traces of laughter are gone. "I wish I were the one to have killed him."

Severus lies down next to her with a grunt. "Me too." He had the opportunity so many times during the year he spied for Dumbledore and the Order. He could have poisoned the bastard's tea for lack of a better idea, but Severus was told to listen and report and so that is what he did, not that it does Lily any good now. Suddenly, the question that's been plaguing Severus for over a year comes bubbling to the surface. He has to know the answer.

"Lily," he all but whispers, "why…" he pauses, suddenly craven. "Why have you never blamed me for turning you in to the Dark Lord? It was me, you know. I'm the one who overheard the prophesy that a child would be born capable of defeating him. I'm the one who relayed that information."

Lily's small, cold fingers move to wrap around his larger ones, but Severus cannot bring himself to look at her. "I know," she answers him gently. "Dumbledore told us what you did right after you joined the Order. We knew from day one why you defected."

"Then why don't you hate me?"

"Look at me Sev, please." And since Severus can deny her nothing he complies. Her green eyes are full of compassion. "There isn't just one answer to that. Part of it is that you've made amends a hundred times since that day by risking your life spying for the Order. Your information saved all of us over and over again. You not only proved to be trustworthy, but also that you are truly sorry for what you did."

Severus can live with this explanation, even if he would never have forgiven himself had he been in her place. "What's the second reason?"

Lily takes a deep, shuddering breath before answering. "It was never entirely your fault that you joined the Death Eaters in the first place."

Well, he certainly wasn't expecting that. It's not true of course. Severus knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. If Lily had never been directly in danger he might still be serving Voldemort. He shudders in revulsion; the very thought makes him want to vomit.

"It's my fault too." She continues, looking back up at the falling snow. "Back in school, I knew you better than anyone. All you ever wanted was to belong to someone, or something; to feel special. We all want that. I was the only one you told about your dad, and how even though you lived in the same house, he hardly ever spoke to you. And then James and Sirius were always winding you up and making you feel about this big," she holds her finger and thumb about an inch apart. "And then those want-to-be Death Eaters in Slytherin House flattered you and told you exactly what you wanted to hear. I saw you falling into their grip and I didn't know how to stop you. And then you parroted them, calling me a mud-blood…" Severus flinches at the hated word. It hasn't passed his lips since that horrible day, not even when he'd been a Death Eater in truth.

"Anyway," she continues, turning to look him in the eyes again. "If I'd forgiven you that day, instead of letting my pride get in the way, maybe I could have saved you. Maybe I could have made it a condition of my forgiveness, 'leave them or lose me as a friend,' you know? But I didn't even give you the choice. I was so angry, so I told you to go. And then of course they were all you had left, your horrible dark magic wielding friends; of course you fell in even deeper." Lily's voice crumbles a bit but she continues. "Voldemort told you lie upon lie, specifically tailored to your needs. He seduced you into his sick army by making you feel like you belonged there. You were just as much a victim as everyone else he hurt, as much as me, or James.

Severus is speechless for a few moments, absolutely dumfounded by her compassion. She's barmy of course, completely out of her head to think that his following the Dark Lord was anyone's fault but his own. Calling her that hideous name in school was one of the biggest mistakes of his life, and she's correct in her assumption that it helped lead him deeper down the dark path he'd already been traveling, but it wasn't her fault. It could never be Lily's fault. But the fact that she's forgiven him his crimes so easily, that she wants to shoulder some of the blame, humbles Severus completely. His chest begins to ache with a sudden, unbearable pressure. He has never felt so raw and exposed. He has never loved this woman as much as he does now.

Needing desperately to diffuse the tension, Severus falls back on sarcasm and wit. "One thing James Potter never was," he says a little roughly, "is a victim."

Big, fat tears spill out of Lily's eyes again, but her smile is the first genuine one she's made all night.

Severus takes advantage of this and continues. "He was an arrogant, insufferable, piece of work. And even worse than that, he was a bloody hero. He died the way he lived; doing exactly what he wanted to, on his own terms." Every word is true, and despite Severus's intense dislike for the man, he's glad for once that those personality traits benefited him directly. Lily would be dead if James hadn't given his life for her.

"I miss him so much," she says in a half-sob. "I keep forgetting he's gone, which is so stupid because I've been through loss before. First mum and dad died, and then we just lived through a war for Merlin's sake. I should be used to this; but every time Harry does something new, or the healers give me more bad news, or I look out the window and see all this bloody snow, I forget for just half a second that he's not here to share it with me. And then I remember and it's like I'm losing him all over again. " Severus straightens up off the cold ground and pulls her onto his lap. Her head fits perfectly beneath his chin and he can't help but revel in the closeness. Her slight body is freezing to the touch, and he tells himself this is why he wraps his arms around her so tightly.

He was sorry you know," Lily says against his chest, "for how he treated you in school. He told me on more than one occasion how badly he felt, how he wished he could go back in time and change things. I wish you could have known the good man he became."

Severus is most assuredly not ready for this conversation. He doesn't know if he ever will be. "Tell me how to help you." He says, completely at a loss. "What do you need?"

"There's nothing…not really. You can't bring him back." Severus just holds her as closely as he dares, offering comfort where he can. For a while all he can hear are her shuddering breaths and the quietly falling snow.

Eventually, she pulls back and Severus immediately mourns the loss of her warmth. Lily wipes her eyes dry with her fingers and sniffs a few times before looking back up at his face. "Well," she says, her voice so much calmer than before. "Now that I think about it, there is one thing I was going to ask you to do for me."

"Anything," he says emphatically.

She bites her lip, and Severus is suddenly a bit nervous. "Remus and Sirius are coming for Christmas next week," she tells him and it takes every bit of strength he possesses not to groan out loud. "I was really, really hoping you'd spend it with us too."

"Anything," he replies, "but that."

"Please, Sev." Her small hand comes to rest above his heart and he prays she can not feel how hard it is pounding. "Christmas is going to be so hard this year and I'm worried they are only going to make it that much more difficult. They'll want to talk about James constantly, as if his absence weren't reminder enough that he's gone. I need you there as kind of a buffer, so it doesn't turn into some horrible group therapy session. I wouldn't ask, but I've come to rely on you so much this past month, and you need somewhere to spend Christmas anyway, right?"

She's correct of course, at least in that he usually spends Christmas alone. However, the prospect of a lonely bottle of Goblin Wine next to a warm fire is far preferable to an entire day with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. For the love of Merlin, how does he get himself in these situations? He looks down at her face, and she's gazing up at him expectantly with those gorgeous, green eyes, that are all red from crying. Severus feels his resolve crumble. Despite every bone in his body screaming profanities at him that this is a really bad idea, he says, "all right. I'll spend Christmas with you and your insufferable friends."

"Really?" she asks eagerly, "you won't back out at the last minute, claim you have some sort of important business elsewhere?"

There is no doubt in Severus's mind that he's going to regret this. "Of course, I'll be there." And before he can stop himself he says, "Tell Lupin to be here in a few days. There's a full moon on the twenty-sixth and I have a potion I'd like to try out on him that should ease his symptoms a bit; hopefully keep him from terrorizing the school. He has to take it for a week for it to do much good though." Her smile is brilliant and Severus thinks this particular sacrifice just might be worth it after all… maybe.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you," she says a few times, squeezing him tightly around the chest. "You are truly my dearest, most wonderful friend."

"Indeed," he says gruffly while rubbing his cheek against her hair. He is such a fool. For her, he always will be. "So," he says, needing a new topic. "What was that other thing you claimed you'll never be able to do in the snow again?"

Lily lets out a light chuckle, "dance."

"Of course." Severus's cold muscles protest stiffly as he slides Lily off his lap and rises to his feet. Bowing regally at the waist, he offers her a hand. "Shall we?"

She clasps her frigid hand in his and in one fluid motion he has her is in his arms, once again tucked against his chest. He begins to move back towards the castle, spinning slowly at first and then gradually gaining more speed. She throws her arms out and her head back, laughing like a child at play as the snow swirls majestically around them. Severus laughs too, and despite Lily's health, her dead husband, the impending dreadful holiday, and a world outside of Hogwarts full of evil; for the first time in….well, maybe forever, Severus feel something very close to joy.

* * *

_Please review. I'd love to get some feedack. Both praise and constructive critisism are welcome._


	4. Gifts: part 1

**Chapter 4: Gifts**

**December 25, 1981 9:13am**

"Hold onto the edge of the paper really tightly, Harry," Lily's instructs her son as he wiggles on her lap. "Do you have it? Good, now pull!" There's a ripping sound, followed by babyish squeals of delight as the package beneath the brightly colored wrapping slowly gets revealed. Remus Lupin and Sirius Black lean forward in their chairs, watching events unfold as intently as if this were the last night of the Quiddich World Cup. "Oh, Remus," Lily gushes, holding out a small, plush snowy owl. "It's absolutely darling. Thank you."

"You're quite welcome, Lily." The chestnut haired werewolf says, looking rather pleased with himself. "I was hoping Harry would like it. I wasn't entirely sure what kind of a gift to get a boy his age." There's another high pitched giggle as the toy owl fluffs its wings and rubs polyester feathers against the toddler's cheek.

Everything in Lily's small sitting room is extremely cozy, Severus muses. There's a warm fire in the hearth and a colorful rug on the wooden floor. A short, fat Christmas tree sits in the corner, covered in handmade paper ornaments and flickering floating candles. The chairs are soft, the air smells like pine, and the radio in the corner is softly crooning cheerful Christmas tunes. Severus wipes his sweaty palms on his robes; the last time he felt this uncomfortable was when he'd been forced to watch Bellatrix Lastrange, Death Eater and Sadistic Bitch Extraordinaire, torture a muggle for fun.

The problem, besides the fact that Severus didn't want to come in the first place, is it's all just a poorly constructed façade. Lily's joviality is so forced he nearly flinches every time he hears her too-bright voice. There is no sparkle in her smile and the shine in her red-rimmed eyes is not from excitement, but from unshed tears. To make matters even more awkward, she keeps trying to engage all of her guests in the same conversation, repeatedly prompting Remus and Black to interact with Severus and vice versa. This has resulted in more than a few noncommittal shrugs and monosyllabic responses.

"Sev," Lily's soft voice startles Severus out of his woolgathering. When he looks at her she is holding out a flat, rectangular package. Chubby, little angels flit about on the wrapping paper. "I got this one for you," she says.

Surprised and touched that she's gone to any trouble at all for him; Severus gently pulls the package onto his lap. Peeling back the frolicking cherubs reveals an expertly bound leather book filled with pages of blank parchment. Elegantly gold leafed onto the front cover are the initials, "STS."

"I haven't seen you journaling since I got here," she explains. "I don't know when you got out of the habit, but you used to love writing so much when we were in school…" She trails off, suddenly looking a touch nervous.

"It's very thoughtful." He tells her quickly, eager to ease her discomfort. In truth, he hasn't written in a journal for quite some time, not since he started spying for Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix. When one's very life depends on telling quality lies, it isn't a good idea to leave the truth lying around where anyone can read it. He's missed it though, he realizes as he runs a palm across the soft, quality leather binding. In one single act Lily has given him something that is both appropriately casual and intensely personal. "Thank you very much," he tells her, genuinely pleased with the gift.

She beams at him, obviously relieved, before turning her attention back to the mound of presents still under the tree. Not wanting to be caught unaware again, Severus forces himself to pay attention as the rest of the gifts are exchanged. Lupin and Black obviously share their very last brain cell, as they sheepishly present each other with identical broom care kits. Lily opens a greeting card from her intolerable sister Petunia that contains a whopping 50p that can't even be spent in the Wizzarding World. Harry receives more presents than a fourteen month old child can possibly need: including a toy wand from Black that shoots harmless sparks when waved; a tiny set of dress robes from Lily; and a small, bubble-making cauldron from Severus himself.

"Sev!" Lily exclaims delightedly as the miniature, seemingly empty cauldron spits a cloud of soapy bubbles into the air. "Did you enchant this yourself? I've never seen anything like it."

Extraordinary pleased by her praise, Severus nods mutely and suppresses the urge to tug at the neckline of his robes. The room suddenly feels quite warm.

Lily presents each of the men with a hand-knitted scarf. Severus's is his signature color, black, with white and gray fringe decorating the ends.

"This is wonderful, Lil!" Black exclaims, rather overenthusiastically, as he wraps his dark green scarf around his neck. "I didn't know you could knit."

"I couldn't before," she answers. "I had to learn as part of my physical therapy. It was a good way to strengthen my hands." She flexes her delicate fingers a few times in demonstration. "The scarves are really the only gifts I got for everyone myself. Everything else I had to get by owl or have a student pick up for me in Hogsmede. They turned out far better than I expected. I'm rather proud actually."

"Well, you certainly should be." Lupin replies, burgundy scarf in hand. "This is the finest scarf I've ever owned. Thank you." The werewolf leans over in his seat to gently kiss Lily on the cheek.

Severus suddenly feels quite ill. The feeling multiplies tenfold when Black copies the gesture and brushes his lips against Lily's soft skin. The air in the room, almost unbearably hot before, is now completely unbreathable and it takes every bit of strength Severus has to maintain his placid façade. He cannot sit here a moment longer and listen to the artificially sweetened platitudes coming out of their mouths. He cannot just watch as they touch her, regardless of how innocent those touches are intended to be, and pretend he doesn't feel a certain degree of irrational jealousy. His chair topples over nosily in his haste to stand. He needs to get out of this room, right now.

"Are you alright?" Lily's face, forcibly pleasant and calm a moment ago, is now pinched with concern.

"Quite fine," he answers huskily. "I'm just going to take a minute to…" he gropes frantically for an excuse before inspiration suddenly hits. "I need to put my scarf away." He holds it up as proof.

She looks at him warily, her eyes round and pleading. "Can't you do that later? We're almost done here. Please stay."

Guilt at abandoning her gnaws at him, but he's too desperate to relent. He backs away towards the door. "I promise I'll be back. I just need a….I'll be back." The door shuts behind him with an audible click and Severus leans back against it with a heavy sigh. The air in the corridor is so much cooler and he takes in a few great heaving breaths. He can still hear the muffled voices in the room behind him. Black is using words like, "nutter," and "unstable," while Lily gently childes him.

As their suites share a wall, the trip to his takes all of five steps. Once inside he slumps into the worn, welcoming cushions of his favorite armchair and buries his face in his hands. He sits there for several minutes, trying to get his heart rate and thought processes to slow down. Still feeling quite agitated, he crosses to the tiny washroom and turns the sink's cold tap on full force. Splashing his face with the frigid water feels good, really good, and he feels some of the knots in his shoulders slowly begin to unwind. He plunges his hands into the icy water again, ready to repeat the cathartic experience as many times as necessary, when something catches his attention out of the corner of his eye. Severus freezes instantly, dread running through him as cold water drips from his nose and fingertips. Something is very out of place.

"No," he moans, squeezing his eyes shut and hoping against hope that he has seen incorrectly. "No, no, no, no, no," He is going to open his eyes in a moment and the door that connects his private residence to his office will not be ajar. There will be no easily traversed pathway to a stockpile of dangerous and potentially deadly potions and potion ingredients. Severus cracks one eye open and moans anew. The door is definitely open, at least four inches. He wipes his palms up over his face and hair, smoothing the water off of his skin and into his limp, black locks. How could he have been so careless? It isn't like him at all. Steeling himself for whatever gruesome sight lies beyond, Severus inches the door open even farther and peers into the dark office.

"Mew!"

Relief pours through Severus in a great, sweeping wave. "There you are," he says, leaning down to scoop up the tiny, ginger kitten. A quick visual inventory determines there has been no damage to the animal, or thankfully, to his office. Every potion bottle is blessedly intact and in place on its designated shelf.

The tabby kitten is so small he can hold her easily in one hand. She was the runt of the litter Severus discovered in the Slytherin common room a few weeks ago. Apparently, one of the sixth year girls had a female cat and one of the fourth year boys had a male cat and well…six fluffy kittens of varying color patterns were birthed under an old brocade sofa. Penny Nightingale, owner of said female cat was absolutely petrified when he confronted her about the kittens, but he merely ordered her to find a more appropriate place to house them than under the furniture. He then gestured to the smallest, ginger tabby and announced, "I'll be taking this one. You will inform me when it has been weaned."

In truth, discovering the cats was a blessing Severus had not been counting on in the slightest. For weeks he wracked his brain, trying to come up with the perfect Christmas present for Lily, with no suitable result. Really, what sort of a gift do you give to the woman who owns your heart and whatever bloody scraps are left of your soul? Severus looks down at the tiny bundle of striped fur in his hand, something warm and fuzzy, right?

Striding back into his personal rooms, Severus firmly closes and locks the connecting door. He then pulls the lidded, wicker basket out from the cupboard it has been in since last week when Miss Nightengale delivered the kitten. He ignores the mewling protests and tiny, needle-like claws, as he gently stows her in the basket and secures the lid with twine. There's already a little red bow tied to the handle, courtesy of the brown-nosing Miss Nightengale.

The five steps back to Lily's chambers take no time at all to traverse and Severus finds himself hesitating in front of her door. He wishes he had a spell to speed up time, to make this whole bloody day go past in a matter of moments. Or better yet, he could reverse time and never promise Lily that he'll keep company with Remus Lupin and the insufferable Sirius Black at all. A muffled cry from inside the room drives Severus into immediate action. He crashes through the door, wand in hand, ready to defend Lily to the death. Her impossibly wide, dazzling smile stops him in his tracks.

"Sev!" She exclaims in delight. "Look what Sirius gave me. Isn't it brilliant?"

It takes him a few seconds to redirect his thoughts away from dangerous things and focus on what Lily is trying to show him. When he does he is still clueless. She's empty handed, and still sitting in the same place she was when he left. Black is no help at all; he just glares at Severus impatiently, obviously annoyed that he's returned at all. Lupin, now holding a squirming Harry, cocks his head in Lily's direction a few times and silently mouths the word, 'chair.'"

Clarity hits startlingly. The chair that Lily is sitting in is not only completely different than the one she occupied before he left the room, it is also hovering about half a foot off the floor. "You're floating," he announces stupidly.

"Yes," she confirms with a soft giggle. "Watch me." The simple, wooden chair spins in place with just the slightest shifting of Lily's torso. It then sways side to side in a perfectly measured arc. "It's enchanted just like a broom," she explains, coming to a stop. "I can go anywhere in the castle by myself now. It even goes up stairs. You won't have to carry me everywhere anymore. Isn't that wonderful?"

"Perfectly," he deadpans. Severus can hardly think of anything worse.

+"Severus," she says, suddenly sounding puzzled. She gestures to his hair. "Why are you all wet? You didn't shower while you were gone, did you? There was hardy time."

"Would have been the first one ever," Black mumbles under his breath." He then lets out a startled "oomph" as Lily's elbow makes direct contact with his stomach. Her smile never falters.

"Is that my present?" She asks, drawing Severus's attention back to the little basket in his hand. "Yes…erm," he's stumbling over his words. The prospect of surprising Lily with a kitten, so brilliant a moment ago, now seems silly and insignificant when compared to the wealthy Sirius Black's generous gift.

Lily holds out her arms and he reluctantly passes the basket to her. With nothing left to grasp, Severus's sweaty fingers nervously clench at the sides of his robes. He stops breathing as she unwinds the twine on the basket lid. "Oh Sev," she exclaims softly, causing Severus's heart to jump into his throat. She pulls the little ball of ginger fluff from its case and immediately cuddles it against her cheek. "She's just perfect. How did you know?"

There are tears in Lily's eyes, and Severus cannot decide if he feels guilty or pleased for having put them there. "I just remembered you've always had a particular fondness for cats. I thought you might like one now." It is an over-simplified version of the truth. But it will do.

"We match." She says, holding the kitten up to her hair.

"Indeed you do." In fact, this is precisely why he chose this particular kitten, despite its puny size. One look at its ginger fur and bright green eyes and Severus had been completely taken in.

"Thank you so much." Her voice is full of emotion and it requires a great deal of effort for Severus not to shy away from it. "I've been missing…" Lily chokes on her words. She takes a deep breath before starting again. "We had a cat before...you know. No one is really sure what happened to him once the house was destroyed. It is so nice to have a new little friend."

"You are quite welcome." The words feel empty and inadequate. He wants to shove Black out of the way and take her in his arms, to banish her demons. But now is not the time, nor the place.

"Did you know that most ginger cats are male?" She's rambling now, trying to gain back some composure. "This makes her quite rare. She's special."

"As you said," Severus inclines his head. "You match."

There's a rather intense, pregnant pause while Lily bites her lower lip and Sirius Black stares daggers at Severus's head. Lupin, always the peacemaker, speaks up first. "I think your son wants a look at the new member of your family, Lil."

Harry's tiny, plump hands are stretching as far as they can in the kitten's direction. He's making eager noises and practically leaping out of Lupin's arms in his enthusiasm. "Oh, of course! I'm so sorry Harry." She sweeps the toddler into her lap easily. He instantly reaches for the kitten, but Lily holds it just out of reach. "Not yet," she says. "You need to be gentle with the kitty."

"TEE!" Harry exclaims, clapping his hands excitedly.

"That's right Harry," she says clearly. "This is a Ki-tee. We have to be nice to Kitties." She takes his palm and rubs it smoothly down the kitten's back. Harry giggles uncontrollably with each stroke.

For some reason the childish squeals aren't bothering Severus nearly as much as they did only an hour earlier. In fact, if Severus is honest with himself, he has to admit that the sight of Lily interacting with her child in such a way is somewhat…nice. In the very least it is gratifying that they are bonding over _his_ present. Black can stick that in his cauldron and brew it, so to speak.

Everyone turns their attention to Black when he obnoxiously clears his throat. "I don't know about you," he says cockily, "but I've been ready to get out of this tiny, cupboard of a room for over an hour. Does anyone else want some fresh air?" For the first time in his worthless life, Sirius Black has said something Severus agrees with. His next sentence ruins it. "What do you say Lily?" Black grins mischievously at her. "Are you up for a bit of sport?"

* * *

_A/N: Did you guys like the Christmas presents? please review if you read this story. Next up: It is still Christmas and Remus and Severus have a heart to heart talk. _


	5. Gifts: part 2

**Chapter 5: Gifts (part 2)**

**December 25, 1981 10:35am**

"NO!" Severus flinches as Harry's plump, mitten-covered palm smacks painfully into the center of his face. "No, no, no, no, no!" Each high pitched exclamation is accompanied by another slap, each one more powerful than the last. The toddler finishes his assault with a squeal of mirth and a strong squeeze to Severus's nose. "NO!" Harry yells again, his laughter bubbling over.

"No, what?" Severus asks through clenched teeth. "I did not tell you to do anything, so therefore you have nothing to refuse!"

The last twenty minutes or so have not been good for Severus Snape. He thought getting out of Lily's small private rooms and into the open air would help with his anxiety. This was not to be the case, however. When the five of them emerged from the castle onto the snow covered grounds, Sirius Black managed to literally produce a second flying chair out of thin air.

With a quick, "you'll watch him for me, won't you Sev?" Lily thrust her small son into Severus's arms and zoomed off into the late morning mist. A cackling Sirius Black trailed after her in his borrowed chair.

They are racing happily now, Black and Lupin taking turns with the extra chair. They are bobbing and weaving around trees, loudly goading each other into going faster, and clearly having a grand old time. Severus on the other hand, is stuck, quite literally holding the baby and freezing his bum off sitting on a low stone wall, while he waits for them to finish.

"NO!" Harry squeals once more, giving Severus's nose another twist.

Temper ready to explode, Snape lets out a growl of frustration. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The boy blinks at him innocently for a moment before smacking himself in the face this time. "No." he says again, as if this explains everything. In a startling moment of clarity, Severus finally understands that it actually does.

"Nose?" He asks the boy tentatively.

"No!" Harry answers happily, obviously excited at finally being understood. He squeezes Severus's nose again. "No, no, no, no, no!"

"Yes," Snape says tiredly. "This is my nose. And yes I am aware that it's rather hard to miss. It is, in fact, the largest gift my father ever gave me." He lets out a mirthless chuckle.

"No?" Harry frowns slightly as he touches his own face again.

"Your nose is perfectly proportioned to your face," he tells the boy. "You have nothing to worry about in that respect." Harry has nothing to worry about at all, as far as his appearance is concerned. He looks so much like his infuriatingly attractive father, Severus is sure he'll never have problems making friends and romances. By contrast, Severus's parents didn't have a handsome bone between them. It is no surprise he's always looked a little…awkward.

Harry interrupts Snape's maudlin thoughts by reaching up to tug on an inky lock of his hair. "Air," he squeals."

"Hair," Severus corrects him. "Don't drop the 'H'." A second later he flinches as a sharp little finger pokes him in the eye.

"Eye!" Harry yells enthusiastically. Severus finds himself chuckling in earnest now, despite the pain. At least the boy pronounced that one correctly.

Severus turns towards the sound of approaching footsteps. "Never thought I'd see the day," says a grinning Remus Lupin. "Not only is Severus Snape actually smiling, but he's smiling at a baby."

Snape's grin is instantly replaced by a scowl. "Is there something you want?"

The tawny haired werewolf holds up his hands in surrender. "I'm just winding you up a bit," he says, taking an uninvited seat on the wall next to Snape. "It was nice to see you looking so carefree. Unexpected," he adds with a smirk, "but rather nice."

"Ree!" Harry's chubby hands reach eagerly across the wall for Lupin. The infuriatingly pleasant werewolf, again without asking permission, plucks the boy out of Snape's arms and onto his lap.

Feeling surprisingly bereft at the loss, Snape scowls as he watches the two interact. Lupin speaks to the boy as if he were an imbecile, using high pitched, monosyllabic words that are only going to confuse the child. Harry's response is to lay a resounding smack in the middle of Lupin's face.

"No!" he squeals.

Severus clenches his jaw and all but chokes on the laughter desperate to escape his throat. "Ask him where your eye is next," he instructs Lupin, barely managing to conceal a smile.

Lupin rubs his nose indignantly. "I'll pass, thanks."

Taking note of Lily and Black still merrily racing their chairs a short distance away, Severus asks, "Why aren't you still frolicking with those two?"

The werewolf's face suddenly goes quite serious. "I wanted to speak with you privately."

"About?"

"Have you seen the paper this morning?"

Severus shakes his head; he was too preoccupied with having to endure today's events.

Lupin pulls a folded up page of newsprint out of his coat pocket and hands it to him. "Events are escalating faster than any of us anticipated. This was in the Daily Prophet this morning."

Severus takes the paper in hand and quickly unfolds it. A black and white man with a skull for a face shoots harmless gray bolts at him from the center of the page. Every muscle in Severus's body tenses as he reads the headline: "Christmas Eve Slaughter! Death Eaters Demand the Lives of Lily and Harry Potter."

Lupin's voice is grave as he summarizes the article. "Fifteen Muggles and three wizards were murdered by Death Eaters last night in Godrick's Hollow and about twenty-five people are still missing. The attack was without warning. We suspect the victims, including two small children, were chosen at random. They incinerated half the village, including what was left of James and Lily's house. Before disapparating like cowards, they burned the threat of more attacks, should we not turn over Lily and Harry, into the side of the town church."

The Death Eater screams silently as he is brutally crushed in Severus's palm. "We are _not_ going to tell her."

Lupin seems taken aback. "How do you expect to keep this from her? The children will be returning to school in a few weeks. It will be all they talk about."

Severus swipes a palm roughly over his face in agitation. "Lily does not need this now! She's finally starting to heal a bit. She shouldn't be upset."

"She will be more upset if she finds out you've been keeping this from her."

With a rough growl, Severus launches the balled up paper into the air and points his wand. "_Incendio_!" The paper immediately erupts into a satisfying ball of flame. "I will be the one to tell her," he addresses Lupin firmly, "when the time is right. It is my responsibility to protect her and the boy, so it should come from me."

Lupin nods solemnly in agreement before glancing down at Harry in concern. He runs his long fingers affectionately through the boy's dark hair. "Their protection is what I came to speak with you about."

"This school is the safest place they could be. It's the only place they are afraid to attack."

"Agreed," Lupin concedes, but desperate people will commit desperate acts, and the remaining Death Eaters are enraged and terrified. They are after blood."

Severus doesn't need a lecture on Death Eaters from anyone, least of all this condescending dog. "I know precisely what they are after!"

"Then you know how important their safety is. If the Death Eaters become aware of their whereabouts…"

Snape is instantly indignant. "Do you think I would ever let anything harm them?" The words are shocking in their intensity, a scream of blind rage. "Do you!"

Remus seems shocked at Snape's outburst. "No, of course not! That's not what I'm trying to say at all."

"Then what are you trying to say? I suggest you get the point before you and your newspaper share the same fate."

Lupin takes a deep sigh. "Please sit down." He gestures towards the place on the wall Severus has just vacated. "I really just came to ask for your help."

"My help?" Severus is so shocked he slumps down onto his seat.

"Yes," Remus continues. "Because of the heightened risk of having Lily here, Dumbledore has asked me to stay on as head of security. He isn't just worried about Lily and Harry. He's concerned bout the students who live here as well. Not only are they in need of their own protection, but many are also vulnerable to influence and could prove to be spies, willing or otherwise. It is only a matter of time before one of them figures out the woman we've got stashed away in the castle is Lily Potter and gives her location to a Death Eater. I'm honestly shocked it hasn't happened already, even with the ministry preventing the distribution of her photo."

"And Dumbledore believes having you here will somehow reduce this risk?" Severus is skeptical and the prospect of having Lupin here full time is hardly appealing.

"Not by myself of course," Lupin continues, "I'll have a small team of wizards and witches under me."

"Well," Severus remarks sarcastically, "everything seems to be arranged down to the minutest detail. What exactly, did you need my help for?"

"There aren't many places left that will accept a…" Lupin pauses for a moment. "…well someone like me. I've been on my own for a while, going from town to town, looking for work. I stay with Sirius sometimes, but I can't do that indefinitely; live off his money forever. It just isn't right. Besides giving me the opportunity to help protect Lily and Harry, Dumbledore has offered me a job and a place to live. But I can't do it without your blessing."

"Why would my opinion on your suitability matter to Dumbledore?"

Lupin's pleading gaze bores into Severus. "You're the one who can make the wolfsbane potion."

And suddenly everything is clear. Lupin doesn't care if one iota if Severus is bothered by his presence, he just needs something from him. Typical.

The werewolf must see the irritation in Severus's face, because he continues almost frantically. "You have no idea what this potion has meant to me over the past week. The full moon is tomorrow night. I should feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin, but I don't. I still feel like me."

"You will still transform tomorrow. I cannot change that."

"I know," he says, still attempting to get his point across, "but I will still be me inside." I will be aware of who I am and where I am. I will not have to awaken the morning after next, covered in blood and desperate to be certain that it came from a deer and not some poor child. You have given me a gift that is in a word, miraculous. I will be forever grateful."

Uncomfortable with the intensity of Lupin's gratitude, Severus mumbles out a soft, "it is nothing."

Lupin places a firm hand on Snape's shoulder and looks him straight in the eye. "It means _everything_ to me. Thank you."

Neither of them speak for a moment. Severus is at once both desperate to flee and groping anxiously for a suitable response. Is it possible Lupin is genuine? The werewolf, ironically, was always the least volatile of his tormentors' little gang. He never instigated anything, although he never made much effort to stop it either. The desperate, pleading look in his brown eyes would suggest Lupin is in earnest, but years of bitterness and rejection have made Severus exceedingly wary.

He is saved from having to comment when a distant whoop of triumph distracts them both. Even from where they are sitting, Severus can make out the radiant smile stretched across Lily's face. Her arms are stretched up wide as she shouts out her victory.

"I win again Sirius," she announces. "That's four out of six races. Admit defeat!"

"Never! "Black announces arrogantly. "How about six out of eleven?"

Lily's shoulder's slump just a fraction, but it is enough to show Severus how fatigued she's become. If she doesn't stop to rest now he'll have to go over there and put an end to it himself.

"I don't know," she answers. "I'm feeling a bit tired and Harry's been out in the cold long enough. I think we'd better call it a day and go back inside."

Severus smiles proudly at Lily's obvious good sense and relaxes a bit. He shouldn't have been surprised Lily would make the right decision.

"Come on Lil, just one more? I've got a move I want to show you."

Severus tenses at both Black's insistence and his stupid, overly familiar nickname for Lily. Of course, the insufferable cur didn't take no for an answer.

Lily glances apologetically at Severus for a moment before readdressing Black. Her smile is indulgent. "I suppose just one more time wouldn't hurt."

Snape rolls his eyes indignantly and scoots himself up off the frigid stone wall. Enough is enough; over exerting herself could put Lily's recovery back weeks. But before he can march over and confront Black for his childish goading, their flying chairs take off like a shot. Arms akimbo in indignation, Severus watches them dart around at a dizzying speed.

"Catch me if you can," Lily taunts, cutting in front of Black so closely they barely escape a collision.

"Oh you just watch me little girl!" Black's chair picks up just enough speed to be shoulder to shoulder with Lily. They circle a few more trees at an insane pace, neither of them gaining an inch on the other. A moment later, Black fakes slightly to the left. Not falling for the ruse, Lily takes the opportunity to slide around him and once again take control of the lead. She squeals in triumph, glancing back to see how far behind her Black has fallen.

Severus sees the danger before she does. Heart jammed in his throat, Severus lets out a mighty yell of warning, but it's too late. The low hanging tree branch catches lily's chair legs, trapping them instantly. The chair stays in place as its occupant goes flying. There's a sickening thump as Lily's body hits a tree trunk before slumping heavily to the ground. Severus is frozen in horror for half a second as he watches her lay crumpled in the snow, still and silent.

"NO!" Before he is even consciously aware of deciding to do so, Severus is sprinting across the field. He barely breathes as he runs, every muscle screaming in protest at the breakneck speed and frigid air. Black is crouched overtop Lily, uselessly spouting apologies. Severus slides to a stop and shoves him away with all the strength he possesses. Pure adrenaline and momentum gives the push some serious weight and the man is hurled back a few feet.

"Stay away from her!" He growls, before shifting all of his attention back to the woman on the ground. "Lily," he chokes out, falling to his knees. She's alive, he realizes with relief, but she looks like she's in a great deal of pain. White puffy breaths are quickly panting from her mouth. Her upper body is curled in on itself, but her legs are sprawled haphazardly, her paralysis preventing their controlled decent.

Severus reaches out a trembling hand to touch her cheek. He smoothes a lock of ginger hair behind the shell of her ear. "Lily," he tries again, quickly losing composure. "Sweetheart, please talk to me. Tell me where it hurts."

She mumbles something unintelligible, so Severus leans in close, putting his ear next to her mouth. "What did you say?"

"Seatbelts," she whimpers. "Really, really need to put some seatbelts on those things."

His lips stretch into a small smile when he realizes she is well enough to quip. "I'm sure if the designer had known you'd be utilizing them for extreme sports he would have considered it."

Her response is a tiny, tight lipped, grin. "Can you help me roll over?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He doesn't want to hurt her further.

"Yeah, positive, it's just my arm. I think the tree broke it." Lily's left wrist is tucked tightly into her chest. Her other arm wraps protectively around it. "Damn bloody tree," she grunts loudly as Severus rolls her onto her back. "Is your offer to slay all my enemies still good?"

"Always."

"Well I think the great hall could use some more firewood, don't you?"

"Consider it done," he agrees, pulling out his wand and pointing it at her. "_Ferula_," he commands, and instantly a splint and bandages wrap themselves around Lily's broken wrist. She whimpers a bit as Severus pulls her up off the snowy ground into a sitting position.

"Ouch." She complains.

"You are so damn lucky that's the only thing that hurts." The sick, dreadful fear Severus felt as Lily hit that tree comes back full force. It mixes with the so recent memory of her nearly being murdered by the Dark Lord. His body starts to shake as anger bubbles up to join the fray. "How can you be so careless with your life? You're barely half recovered and yet you're mucking around like you're immortal. Are you so desperate to be at death's door again? Do you know what it felt like to watch you fly through the air and hit that tree? I thought you…" Severus chokes on the word. To his completely and abject horror, his eyes start to burn with unshed tears. "I can't…"

"Shhhh. I'm okay, I'm going to be fine," she soothes, placing the palm of her good hand against his cheek. The warmth of her skin burns straight to his soul. "I'm sorry; truly I am."

Severus is mortified. Lily is in intense physical pain and instead of crying and pleading for help as anyone else in her condition would, _she_ is comforting _him_. He's practically crying in her arms! Could he be any more of a worthless git? The truly damning part is how unbelievably good it feels. Her touch is all-consuming; it warms a place inside of him Severus forgot even existed. He can't remember the last time someone comforted him like this. No, he corrects himself, he does remember. It was Lily. It was always Lily.

Her forehead comes to rest against his and her hand trails up higher, soft fingertips just skimming his hairline. He closes his eyes, selfishly reveling in the feeling for just a moment more.

"It's soft!"

Severus pulls back at her words. "Excuse me?"

Lily's face, still white with fading pain, is now scrunched up in surprise. "Your hair," she says, smoothing down a thick lock by his ear. "It's soft and smooth. It looks so…" she blushes. "Well everyone thinks…"

"That I never bathe?"

"I'm sorry," she bites her lip. "You know I never thought that; I've just never touched it before." She combs her fingers up over the back of his head and Severus has to stop himself from moaning out loud.

"A gift from my mother," he admits, sardonically. "No matter how many times I wash it, it still looks limp and greasy."

"Hmmm," She says with a smirk. "How generous of her."

"Yes," he agrees, matching her tone. "Some people get all the best gifts."

She chuckles and the sound flows through him, intoxicating Severus more thoroughly than the finest glass of goblin wine. The hand she was caressing his hair with moments ago has settled on his chest, just below his left shoulder. Her touch burns through his shirt like a branding iron, and he's sure she can feel how erratic his heartbeat suddenly is. He covers her hand with both of his own, desperate to maintain the contact.

"Are you alright now?" She asks him the question he should be asking her.

Unsure of how to answer, Severus averts his gaze, glancing down to once more observe the hands clasps together on his chest. When he finally looks back up she's staring intensely back at him, her green eyes suddenly full of some unnamed emotion. The air around them, no longer cold at all, feels charged, full of potential. He risks a glance at her lips. They look plump and soft and Severus has to swallow another deep moan before it can escape his mouth. At once all he wants in the world is to feel the smooth slide of those lips against his own. He leans in, unable to control the pull he feels towards her, as if instead of flesh they are made of opposite magnetic poles.

"oomp!" A heavy force shoves Severus off balance and suddenly he has a face full of snow. He rolls onto his back, sputtering, only to have the same weight slammed back into his chest. Someone is sitting on him, pinning him to the icy ground. Gasping for air, Severus looks up into a pointed wand, and the furious face of Sirius Black.

"You are the very foulest kind of bastard!" Black screams, spitting a little in his rage. "Was this your plan all along? James isn't even in the ground yet!"

Rage boils inside of Severus and threatens to spill over. He isn't a scared little boy anymore. He will _not_ be bullied. Using his height to his advantage, he rears a leg up to loop around Black, kicking him off his chest with a cry a fury. They leap to their feet, at once brandishing their wands for battle. Sparks and flames flicker across the grounds around them as spell after spell reflects off the fallen snow. Years of pent up frustrations come pouring out of Severus through his wand. He can barely hear Lily and Lupin crying out for them to stop, over the rushing of blood in his ears. He wants to hurt Black so badly; for the years of torment, for the ease at which everything always came to him, for the stupid nickname he is always using on Lily, and for interrupting what could have been his first kiss. He's finally going to use the spell he wrote just for this man and those like him. He flicks up his wand, the word _Sectumsempra, _just about to pass his lips, when he is once again slammed brutally into the ground.

A quick personal inventory informs Snape that he cannot move an inch. Stretching his eyeballs as far as they will go shows him that Black is in a similar condition less than ten feet away. A moment later, Lily's trainer -clad feet come floating into view, followed by the rest of her. Obviously her flying chair is no worse for wear.

"I have no words," she manages to say through clenched teeth and bitter tears, "for how angry I am right now. I just wanted to have a nice Christmas, some fun to help get me through a very rough day, and what do I get? I get two of my closest friends fighting like little boys over a shiny new toy! Well, you are not little boys any longer, and I most certainly am not a toy. If I could kick you both while you are down I would." She waves a wand at Severus and he jerks as what feels like a booted foot jabs him in the side. A moment later she does the same to Black. "I hope you are cold. I hope you are sore. You both deserve it! You can think about how childish you are while you wait for the spell to wear off. Remus, Harry, and I are going inside for lunch."

She floats off without another word. Lupin, still carrying Harry in his arms, spares them each a sad, disapproving glance, before following after her. Severus is left with nothing but the cold seeping into his soul, both from disappointment and wet, melting snow.

* * *

_A/N: It's always one step forward, two steps back for poor old Sev, isn't it?_

_If you are angry with some of the characters, keep these few things in your mind. They are all very young, about 21 years of age each. None of them are perfect. They all have their own agendas and opinions, but you guys are really only getting Severus's side of things. Everything might look rather different from someone else's point of view._

_Please leave me some feedback. This was a difficult chapter to write. It was also an incredibly difficult chapter to post for some reason. I ended up having to copy and paste the story into a document paragraph, by paragraph. I really hope it all got in there in the correct order and that nothing is missing or repeated.  
_

Next up: New Years, and Severus's 22nd Birthday.


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